"Uneasy Thoughts"
by Jane Charles, Telling Room Author
I sat there back against my wall, pillow in hand to cover the sounds of my broken cries, drenched in sweat and tears of hurt. I was having another bad day, phone blowing up, all my friends wondering if I was ok. I just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth, as I cry more tears of pain and scream to god “Why do you hate me? I never done anything wrong. I pray every night and before I eat, I thank you for everything I have in life and never ask for more”. I’m scared of living. I’m getting tired of waking up and hating everything about the way I look to the way I act.
As I sat on my bed head full of uneasy thoughts, I was scared that the devil I was battling would win with all his repulsive thoughts. At such a young age I already suffered from PTSD, depression, and anxiety.
Living in constant fear that one day everyone would be tired of me and just leave. My trust issues mixed with the pain of heartbreak would devour my every thought.
My eyes swollen from crying. I can’t cry no more. I’ve become numb to feelings. I’m too scared to feel happiness or hope, and if I ever do get to taste a lick of happiness it’s always bitter sweet. I am convinced that everyone hates me but puts up with me because they feel bad.
All my bottled up emotions would eat me up alive if I didn’t share my thoughts but battling depression in a African household was a battle you had to learn to fight on your own.
I am scared. I can’t recognize the girl that once used to be so happy and rarely cried, become so broken and helpless to the point where I can’t look at myself in the mirror without breaking down.
Who did this to me?
Maybe my fear of abandonment, or my daddy issues, or the fact that I was just another darkskin girl living in America.
I know god gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers but he couldn’t see the demons swallowing me whole.
I can’t fight no more. I’m giving up. I’m tired of putting on a brave face making everyone around me happy except me. I’m giving up.
Help me.
This piece is being re-published as a part of our new The Voice of a Pride series. Learn more about this series here.
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