August 2012



Maddie Bernard, "Funny How-Tos"

Warning:

These how-tos are meant to be funny, for humorous purposes only. Do not try at home.

Contents:

  • How to breed a unicorn

  • How to teach your dog magic

  • How to ride a bike

  • How to type

How to breed a unicorn

If you want to breed a unicorn, first let me make something straight-- you’re crazy. There is no such thing as unicorns and magic, and I don’t know the first thing about breeding them, much less, breeding a horse. I will try to explain to you what I would do if I found a unicorn in my backyard.
First of all, I would call the police, the fire engine, and the ambulance. Yes, the ambulance. Because a giant horse with bright pink hair and a horn is scary. Plus, who knows if it might hurt me??? Then the police would take the unicorn away to the national horse study center.
Second I would go inside and email everyone I know and tell them about the unicorn. If anyone said they didn’t believe me, I would tell them to go ask the police.

Finally, I would write a book, maybe even multiple books, all about pink haired unicorns attacking people. It would be a universal best-seller.

And that’s how you breed a unicorn.

 

How to teach your dog magic

People really are nutso these days, because, I might have mention this, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MAGIC OR UNICORNS!!! Plus, I don’t know how to teach anyone magic, nor do I know how to teach a dog anything, much less teach teaching a dog magic. But, if I found a dog who knew magic in my front yard, this is what I’d do.
First of all, I would call the police, the fire engine, and the ambulance because a dog who can turn you into a frog is scary. Plus, who knows if it might hurt me??? Then the police would take the magic dog away to the pound.
Second I would go inside and email everyone I know and tell them about the dog who knew magic. If anyone said they didn’t believe me, I would tell them to go ask the police.
Finally, I would write a book, maybe even multiple books, all about magical dogs turning people into frogs. It would be a universal best-seller.

And that’s how you teach your dog magic.

 

How to ride a bike

Seriously, if you think this How-to is going to teach you how to ride a bike, you’re crazy. You can’t tell someone how to ride bike. But, if I had no experience with riding a bike, this is what I’d do.
First of all, I would call the police, the fire engine, and the ambulance because riding a bike is scary. Plus, who knows if I might get seriously injured??? Then the ambulance would take me away to the hospital when I crashed.
Second I would get on the bike and attempt to ride down the hill. I would try to balance myself out, fail, fall off the bike, and have to go to the hospital because I was seriously injured.
Finally, I would write a book, maybe even multiple books, all about falling off bikes. It would be a universal best-seller.

And that’s how you ride a bike.

 

How to type

You hit the letters on the keyboard, which for some silly reason, they didn’t put in alphabetical order. That’s it. Now leave me alone. 

 

Maddie Bernard, 11 years old, from Tanglen Elementary, Minnesota